Depression

Note: This post is a bit of venting and talking about depression. If you're not in the mood for whining, feel free to skip it and tune in tomorrow for the regularly scheduled sarcasm.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this here before, but I suffer from depression. Sometimes it's more severe than others and it is usually pretty well-controlled with anti-depressants. Well - I'm struggling with a particularly nasty bout at the moment. I don't bring this up to garner sympathy. I know there are a lot of others out there dealing with similar issues and part of my reason for blogging is to chronicle my life and return to running - so I be chronicling.

Now, I know what you're thinking - but, wait - your treadmill is fixed and your back is feeling better - so you can go for a run, right? Well, that would be the logical thing to do... I see your logic and raise you one depressed lump. One of the things that happens to me a lot when I'm depressed is having the ability to see the logical solution to something, but the actual follow-through required to complete the action is just beyond me. Everything is just too overwhelming.

On top of feeling stressed and overwhelmed, I feel guilty for being depressed. I have an amazing husband, a perfect little man, a loving family, a roof over my head, and a job that pays most of the bills - so I feel guilty for being depressed when I have so many wonderful things in my life.

The main issues I'm having right now are:
*Money. A month before S was born, the VA decided to reduce Cody's rating from 10% to 0%, thereby stopping the small amount of money he was getting paid every month. That, on top of adding a new family member and some medical bills, has left things extremely tight. I stress about this constantly. I wish I could turn it off because I know that stressing over it isn't going to change things, but I haven't managed to find a way to do that.

Some history: A couple of years ago, when we realized Cody wasn't going to be able to continue working, and he was turned down for Social Security Disability (because he's "too young" to be disabled), and VA benefits (they agree he is fully disabled, but say his condition is not the Army's fault), we traded in our SUV for a smaller, more economical car; turned off our cell phones and got Tracfones; and got rid of cable and any other extras. Since we pared things down to this level in the past, there really isn't any way to free up any additional money now. Thus - the stress.

*Wanting to be home with S. It is so hard to leave S every day and miss out on all of the fun little things he does throughout the day. I feel like a spoiled brat for being upset about this. It is a fact of life that grown ups have to work for a living. Parents everywhere do this every day.

*Too many things that need to be done and not enough hours in a day. Cody's physical limitations mean that almost all of the household tasks (cleaning, laundry, yard work, cooking, etc.) fall to me. He is amazing and helps out as much as he can, but taking care of S usually uses up all of his spoons. Housework + working + wanting to spend time with S + school = too much. Usually we have a pretty good system worked out and I manage to keep all of the balls in the air, but it's a delicate balance and my balls seem to have all fallen down and scattered all over the place.

So - this evening, I'm going to hop on my treadmill - even if it's just 10 minutes to try burn off some of the crazy and come back tomorrow with a little more positivity and some cute pictures from this weekend.